Do your kids love to hate each other? Kate Farr provides some tips on changing things up. Jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters can star t right after the bir th of a second child, and it can continue throughout childhood. Parents dealing with sibling rivalry will find it slightly soothing to learn that it is a concern for almost everyone with two or more kids. But only slightly soothing. This statistic doesn’t actually ease the burden, or provide you with the tools to put an end to the seemingly constant squabbling. If you feel like you’re rearing sparring par tners, rather than lifelong allies, how do you change things up? CELEBRATE INDIVIDUALITY Opening the discussion, it’s important to recognise that there are a number of factors that may contribute to tension within the sibling relationship. Birth order, age gap, gender and a child’s individual characteristics can all play a part. For example, a particularly sensitive child may clash with a more assertive brother or sister. Parenting style is also a major factor. If a parent is seen to favour a sibling, giving him encouragement while tending to direct blame at another, this can create a sense of disconnect within the family, causing a child to misbehave in order to gain the parent’s attention. But how can busy parents best channel this desire for attention into positive behaviours? A good way to start is with one-to-one attention. Take some time to connect with each child individually. This should ideally happen daily, and can be something as simple as playing a quick game together, reading a book or taking a short walk. The aim is to help reinforce the bond between parent and child, enabling children to feel secure in their relationship, which translates into calmer behaviour. It’s also important to recognise that all children are different: recognise their uniqueness but avoid drawing comparisons or labelling. For example, you could say, “Ýou are really good at reading,” rather than, “You are the smart one in the family.” This acknowledges one child’s distinctive talents without any negative associations implied towards the other children. When it comes to elder siblings’ behaviour, we can often have overly high expectations. Don’t expect per fection from older children, and try not to force them to always be the ‘big boy or girl’. They may not wish to play with their little brother, or give their little sister a cuddle, and we should respect that. This also applies to children’s negative feelings. Acknowledging children’s feelings helps them process things. Saying, “I can see that you would like some quiet time away from your brother,” or “You seem disappointed that your sister has a play date today,” helps children to realise that their feelings are valid, and that it’s OK to vocalise them. STEP IN AND MEDIATE Of course, occasional tensions and conflicts are bound to arise within any close relationship. Should parents try to shield children from this? Yes, but only up to a point. It’s important to teach kids how to deal with conflict from a young age, reinforcing this throughout childhood. Conflict is necessary for personal development, establishing relationships and setting boundaries. It also enables kids to understand emotions such as annoyance, anger and rage – just as important as an understanding of joy and happiness. All that being said, parents do need to ensure that fights between kids don’t become too violent with bullying of siblings, or the suppression of one child by another. It is important to understand where the line lies between innocent pushing and shoving, and the development of unhealthy relationships with one child forever the victim and the other always the abuser. When it comes to specific methods for handling conflicts, there is a lot to be said for the positivediscipline approach which is focused on the idea that there are no bad children, just good and bad behaviours. The aim is to try to get siblings to hear each other, to develop their emotional intelligence skills, and to look for compromise and conflict resolution. In taking this approach, your first tactic is to stay neutral. Even when it is clear who is right and who is wrong don’t simply side with the victim. All you will do is confirm the obvious and it is unlikely that you will resolve the problem. Importantly too, remain calm on the outside, even if you are angry inside. Breathe out and speak calmly. This is usually much more effective than shouting. Physically remove your kids from each other but not necessarily to dif ferent rooms – just create distance and, again, stay neutral while doing so, even if a much younger sibling is involved. Take the younger child’s hand and say to him in front of his elder brother or sister: “We are going to sit down on the couch now and calm down.” Then ask the elder sibling to calm down and sit down also. Once kids are treated equally there is no victim or bully. Your next task is to encourage your kids to seek an agreement rather than carry on fighting. Take on the role of mediator to avoid the ‘he-said-she-said’ arguments that can arise when unpicking everyday squabbles. Don’t take sides. Try to facilitate a mutually agreed solution to an issue by brainstorming possibilities. This can be as simple as sharing a toy by playing together, or even setting a timer to ensure both children get an equal turn. Once the conflict has passed and you are sitting together, perhaps at dinner, talk about feelings. Tell your kids how sad it makes you feel when they are fighting with each other and how good it would be to find mutually acceptable ways of preventing conflict in the future. Express your readiness to listen to both sides, to stay neutral and to brainstorm possible solutions. You can even write a ‘conflict-resolution plan’ together and put it up on the wall. Then, the next time a situation threatens to develop, you can raise an eyebrow and point to the plan that they helped create. LET THEM BATTLE IT OUT Once children are confident in their own ability to handle conflict, you can allow them to experience the satisfaction that comes with working out differences positively. Wherever possible, use positive feedback, rather than negative reinforcement to get your message across, focusing on strengthening children’s negotiation and listening skills, as well as stressing the importance of compromise. Parents need to reinforce this with some hard and fast ‘get-along rules,’ such as using kind words, being gentle and sharing, while also respecting each other’s belongings. This gives you a great opportunity to encourage positive behaviour when you see it, such as when your child shares his toy, or comforts his sibling. Know that communication is key. Allow children to express their feelings and encourage them to ask for help without blaming others. For example: “My sister took my favourite book and it made me feel sad. Could you help me find another book please, Mum?” Be creative and, after a while, you may find that your children no longer need your mediation quite so often. Which is surely the most reassuring and hopeful message of all for any parent of siblings.

At the best summer camps learning is stirred into play. There’s no better place for children to have fun, while developing new skills and stepping out of their comfort zones. REPORTING BY Suveera Sharma & Samantha Wong If “holiday” was a person, he would surely be the most loved one on ear th. He would be fun, sometimes engaging and sometimes lazy, but always welcome. For adults and kids alike, a break from the regular monotony of life is something to look forward to. Holidays bring images of excited kids and slow-paced, lazy afternoons, of reunions and celebrations with loved ones, and of distant or near travel. That said, many of us DB families choose not to travel out, preferring to stay in the comfort of our homes for at least some of the summer holiday. And as much as we love the chatter and liveliness of children in the house, it’s sometimes difficult to keep them engaged constructively. The summer break should not mean a complete end to the structured day… which is where holiday camps come in. PRIORITISING FUN With all the different summer activities on offer across DB and Lantau, how do you decide which will benefit your child the most? First off, in choosing a summer camp for your children – with your children if they are old enough – making sure they are going to have lots of fun should be a first priority. And that at least should be easy enough to achieve. No matter which type of camp you choose, your kids will be given the opportunity to be busy and social. Hopefully too, away from the pressures and social hierarchies of school, they’ll be able to make new friends and, with the guidance of adult mentors, discover new things about themselves. Generally speaking, then, it’s safe to say that summer camp is going to be a fun experience for children but this gets you no closer to deciding on a specific course for them. Looked at one way the decision is simple. Sign them up for an activity they already enjoy and give them the chance to focus on it, and get seriously good at it. Game over, you might say, job done. But have you thought about alternatives? You might be tempted to go the other way… sign your kids up for a course in something new and unexpected, something that will expand their horizons. Let’s say your daughter is a homebody – constantly either hardwired to the computer or glued to the TV. Any camp you choose will encourage her to unplug and get social but one that’s based outdoors could be the way to go. Signing her up for a sports course would see her being physically active, spending time outdoors and connecting with nature in some way. It would also give her an opportunity to escape the virtual and interact with real people and play games, using more than just her thumbs. To keep things interesting, you might also consider enrolling your kids in a classroom-based camp. You’ll have read about the “summer slide”, where grade points are lost because of lack of tuition over the holidays, and you’ll want to avoid it. There’s no reason to think that an educational camp will be boring – these specialised, teacher-led summer courses promise to make learning and problem-solving fun and interactive. ENHANCING SOCIAL SKILLS It is a well-known fact that children learn best when they are in a group, learning together. Group learning also gives them the oppor tunity to hone their social skills, which will have a lifelong impact on their relationships and personalities. Holiday camps provide a perfect environment for children to intermingle and learn. At camp, children learn to work with each other and their adult mentors, outside of the classroom and family unit. In their time away from home, they are encouraged to take responsibility for everything from their belongings to their emotions. While building new friendships, they learn to navigate through group dynamics, manage conflict and accept guidance. Summer camp can also teach kids how to empathise. Placed in a new environment with new people, they learn to value the kindnesses of others and they begin to give of themselves in return. In challenging situations, they learn to be sensitive and to support friends who are struggling. Children learn that to succeed, they must work together as part of a team. Rather than thinking only of themselves, they begin to see themselves as part of a community, and with this comes a valuable sense of acceptance and belonging. Summer camps teach kids about team spirit and cooperation; they learn how to work with each other and deliver results, and they learn to play within the rules. With this in mind, it’s well worth considering the benefits of a mixed age-group camp, where the older kids are asked to take care of the younger ones and help them with complicated tasks. While this teaches the older children responsibility, the youngsters also benefit because they are encouraged to go beyond their abilities and push their limits a bit. BROADENING HORIZONS Learning new skills and stepping out of your comfor t zone always broadens your horizon and opens new avenues. It is a known fact that all top achievers are lifelong learners. To constantly look for new insights and ideas, and keep growing is the biggest and most impor tant life lesson that we can teach our kids. Exposing them to novelty, as we do at summer camp, and challenging them physically and mentally, will shape them to the best of their potential. By putting themselves out there, having new experiences and trying new things, kids begin to understand what it takes to succeed in life. They develop decision-making skills to get themselves through challenging situations, and they grow in confidence and flexibility. By tackling an activity that pushes them outside their comfort zone, children come away with a stronger sense of personal pride and self-reliance. As they progress through a course, their confidence builds and they accomplish tasks that at first seemed impossible. All this builds strength of character, courage and determination. Children learn discipline, problem solving and perseverance, which are much needed skills in life. The best summer camps challenge kids every day. They come home tired from all the physical and mental activity and ready for a full meal and bed. They wake up looking forward to the day ahead and to giving it their best shot. Summer camp provides a carefree environment where kids work on ideas and learn to be responsible for their actions; it gives children a sense of purpose, hope and direction. The benefits of holiday camps are indeed many. Fortunately, we live in a community which has a reputation for being family friendly. There are innumerable options for kids to stay close to nature and be outdoors or stay indoors and perhaps try something different. No matter which camp you choose for your children, it is important to challenge them. If you push them to the outer boundaries of their abilities, you can experience the joy as you watch their faces light up when they succeed. As John A. Shedd wrote back in 1928, “ A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for .”

The start of a new school year can be a stressful time for children at any age, try these holistic parenting hacks to help ease the transition. The holidays are over and the new school year has begun. This can be a stressful, even depressing time for children. The transition can test their coping skills in dealing with adjustments such as new teachers and new classrooms, as well as managing hectic school and work schedules. Children need to feel confident and organised as they head back to school, and mentally prepared to knuckle down and get back not just into a daily routine but into study. So, what can you do to help? PHYSICAL WELLBEING Positive physical health and wellbeing contribute to a child’s ability to flourish, thrive and achieve. Equipping children with the skills to cope with potentially stressful situations will enable them to navigate the challenges that might lie ahead. In terms of children’s general wellbeing, there are three key areas to consider. Are your kids sleeping well? Are they getting enough exercise? What is their daily diet? Of course, routine bedtime hours are unappealing to many children, especially teens but a huge part of being prepared and coping is being able to function – without sleep we can’t function at our best. We all benefit from structure. So from the first day back at school (or better, a week or so before school star ts), get your children into a regular routine. Ensure they go to bed at a fixed time and wake up early. Getting clothes ready the night before – and organising backpacks, binders, lunchboxes and cafeteria money – will help remove the stress from those first early mornings, as will eating a hear ty breakfast. Those precious after-school hours also need to be well-structured, with time set aside for doing homework, socialising, screentime, eating supper, hanging out with family and simply relaxing. There’s a lot to cram in! As the new term progresses, monitor your children’s routine and discuss areas that could be improved. Strengthen their understanding about how physical wellbeing can set us on the path for success. Your aim is to assist by being suppor tive and realistic: work out a personalised schedule that makes sense for your child. Know too, that it’s important to be flexible with time; allow for the unexpected. MENTAL HEALTH Often, it’s the fear of the unknown – new classmates, teachers, classes – that is most stressful for children heading back to school. The good news is that most children are adept at coping with change and you can help them in that process by providing a setting that fosters resilience, and encourages them to share and express their feelings. As always, it’s important to talk to your children: ask about their concerns – and really listen to their response. When we feel heard, we immediately feel validated, and once our fears are vocalised, they tend to diminish. Change can be difficult, but also exciting. Let your children know that you are aware of what they’re going through and that you are there to help. You can begin to educate even very young children about the nature of anxiety – and its benefits. Take some time to explain the “fight or flight” process, so they understand what is happening to their brain and body when they become nervous. Explain that anxiety is meant to protect us but occasionally misfires and becomes a little overprotective – so we need to train our brain to embrace anxious thoughts instead of pushing them away. It is important to encourage children to face their fears instead of falling into the trap of avoidance. After discussing what anxiety is and how it plays out, it’s important to validate your children’s feelings by empathising. Tell them how nervous you remember feeling at the beginning of a new school term or when you started your first job. Let them know that we all experience these feelings and that it’s totally fine to do so. PRACTICAL SUPPORT When heading back to school, children need to know that they have your support not just emotionally but also on a practical level. So, it’s essential that you get involved! You may be able to arrange to take a tour of their school, so they can show you where their locker and classrooms are located. This will help ease anxiety of the unknown. The more you know about your children’s school, the better equipped you will be to understand the transition they are undergoing. Be sure to meet members of the school community, or join the school PTA. Attend any meetings the school invites you to. If you hear from the teachers about upcoming activities, you can ensure your child is organised and prepared. Direct any questions or concerns you have to the school, rather than to your child, and arrange for extra tuition in certain subjects if needed. And a word about academic expectations: try not to set them too high as this will only add to your child’s stress, and never downplay the fact that schoolwork is hard. If your child is having trouble with a cer tain subject, let them know this is totally acceptable, not something to feel bad about. You can’t stress this enough. Emphasis that students are not supposed to understand everything straight away – that’s why there are teachers and study guides and services like tutors. Children need to know that it might take a couple of goes for them to review new content before it sticks, and that’s fine. Practical support includes involving yourself in your children’s schoolwork and helping when you can, while encouraging them to study with friends. Bear in mind that everyone in your child’s year group is in the same boat, and so are their families. Students all get the same lessons and sit the same exams. Knowing they’re not alone can be a comfort to children, and to bring this home you should encourage them to spend time with fellow students outside school. Last but not least, take time to listen to your children and discuss their day at school and any issues they may have. While grades and homework are important, it is essential that you express holistic interest in your child. This means asking about their social life, extra-curricular activities and how they like their teachers. Your goal is to help your children implement self-care from a young age. Going back to school doesn’t have to be scary. There are endless ways to support kids through the transition. It’s impor tant to draw on their strengths, and encourage them to see how incredible they truly are. Start each week on a positive note and also give your child something to look forward to. Plan to spend quality time together at the weekend, or suggest a sleepover with friends.

ITS: ENSURING TUITION WORKS FOR YOU ITS Education Asia has been providing high quality, properly managed tuition for nearly 20 years with outstanding impacts. Online and hybrid options (starting 2012 using a bespoke virtual classroom platform) are offered alongside in-person sessions. Noting the pressures today’s students face to achieve ever-greater academic results, Danny Harrington, Founder and Managing Director of ITS says: “The good news is that properly directed tutorial support offers a relatively pain-free way to overcome the various learning and assessment obstacles. But it must be the right tutoring at the right time.” There is often a rush to sign up for tutoring at the beginning of the school year, but Danny encourages students not to be too hasty. “The start of an academic year is often a time for finding your feet, especially when you are starting a new subject or a new curriculum in a familiar one,” he says. “It is much better to take a month or two to properly assess whether you actually have a need for additional support.” At ITS, prospective students are given a consultation before enrolling, and trial lessons are available in each subject. “It is crucial to establish that you actually need what you think you need: directionless tutoring “for the sake of it” does not help in any way,” Danny says. “It demoralises both student and tutor and can be counter-productive. “You need to ensure flexibility,” Danny adds. “Sometimes you may only need a couple of hours to work out a particular problem or topic difficulty. Other times you may need longer term support which may transition from knowledge review and consolidation to skills needed for assessment.” To see what ITS has to offer, visit www.itseducation.asia . DBIS SIXTH FORM OPEN EVENT Discovery Bay International School (DBIS) is hosting an open event for prospective Year 12 students and their parents on August 22 at its Sixth Form campus in DB North Plaza. The event, which starts at 6pm, coincides with the launch of the school’s new Sixth Form scholarship programme. Registration is essential. To register, scan the QR code or visit www.dbis.edu.hk OUTSTANDING IB RESULTS AT ESF ESF students across Hong Kong achieved an average score of 36.1 in their IB exams this year – significantly higher than the global average of 30.2. Almost a third of ESF students scored 40 points or more – eight students achieved the perfect score of 45, with a further 28 receiving a score of 44. ESF Discovery College deserves a special mention with 66 students awarded the IB Diploma (including bilingual). Sixteen students scored 40 points or more, three gained 43 points and two 44. On results day, July 7, ESF Director of Strategy & Communications Rob Shorthouse said: “In every single one of our schools and every single one of our classrooms, we have seen students achieving amazing things. Our results are just remarkable, really of global significance.” To find out more, visit esf.edu.hk ENRICHMENT PROGRAMMES AT GUIDEPOST MONTESSORI Guidepost Montessori Discovery Bay is rolling out three new enrichment programmes this month for children aged 2.5 to 6 years. There’s Mini Makers on Monday afternoons, where kids get to make things; Montessori Garden on Tuesday or Thursday afternoons, where kids get to grow things; and Montessori Kitchen on Wednesday or Friday afternoons, where kids get to cook things. Book a trial for your child and if they enrol after the trial, they can claim a free class credit. Children who enrol in two or more enrichment programmes get a 5% discount, as do kids who “bring a buddy”. To find out more and enrol for the new academic year, call 9126 6211, email admissions@guidepost.hk, or visit www.guidepost.hk MALVERN COLLEGE HONG KONG CELEBRATES FIVE YEARS OF EXCELLENCE Malvern College Hong Kong (MCHK) has reached a significant milestone, celebrating five years of exceptional academic and extra-curricular achievements since opening in 2018. The school has built a reputation for excellence in fields, from sports to the Arts and community service and has become a highly regarded institution with a student body of nearly 1,000 pupils. The results achieved last month by its first ever International Baccalaureate Diploma cohort are a testament to the school’s commitment to academic excellence. Pupils achieved an outstanding overall average score of 39.4 points, well above the world average of 30.24 points. Even more remarkable, 50% of pupils scored 40 points or higher, with the highest individual score being 44 out of 45. Furthermore, 50% of pupils earned the Bilingual Diploma, and the average grade across all subjects was 6.14, significantly higher than the 2022 world average of 4.97. The school’s dedication to holistic education is reflected in its commitment to extra-curricular and co-curricular pursuits. MCHK offers a diverse range of activities that foster a strong sense of camaraderie and team spirit amongst its pupils. The recently instituted Passion for Projects Award celebrates pupils who have demonstrated exceptional entrepreneurial skills and have successfully established business or charitable organisations. In tandem with the Entrepreneurial Society, which supports younger pupils in cultivating their entrepreneurial talents and initiatives, the school seeks to create an environment that nurtures innovation and enterprise. Having achieved many significant accomplishments over the past five years, MCHK is now looking to the future with the greatly anticipated arrival, of its new headmaster, Paul Wickes. Paul will continue the tradition of excellence in both academics and personal development and will build on the solid foundation that has been laid, ensuring that MCHK will further solidify its reputation as a leading educational institution.

One in 10 people are dyslexic. Ray Robertson reports on how parents and schools can help dyslexic pupils flourish in the classroom and beyond “Chloe rushes up to her bedroom as soon as she comes home from school. If I try to ask her about her day, lessons or friends, she yells at me and slams the door.” “Danny, is a scatterbrain – ask him to do things and he forgets. I give him a few things I’d like some help with and he stands there looking confused and mouthing my instructions.” “I’m so worried about Sam, I sometimes think she is bipolar; she can be lovely, sociable, kind – she has some great friends, she loves sport and art, but she can get so angry and frustrated; it’s as if she’s a different girl altogether.” If you can see your son or daughter in one of these quotes, it may be a sign that he or she has dyslexia.The first thing you need to know is that dyslexia effects at least 10% of any given population. This makes it one of the most common learning difficulties in the world. The good news is that dyslexia has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with the brain processing information differently. It is also known to run in families. If you have a dyslexic child, take a look at your family; you may recognise the same traits in other family members. In fact, in taking a close look at your son or daughter, you may begin to see why you struggled so much through school yourself. SEEING THINGS DIFFERENTLY Thankfully, attitudes towards dyslexia have become much more enlightened in recent years but for some, there is still a massive stigma attached to these children, who have what is perceived as a learning abnormality. It’s essential that you find a school that celebrates dyslexia as a gift rather than seeing it as a special educational need. Fail to do so, and students can become casualties of an education process that has pushed them to the back of the class, sent them out because they are causing a disturbance, told them they are not trying or are just stupid. In reality, they simply see things differently; the way they learn does not match the way they have been taught and frustration has led to outbursts or disruptive behaviour. As this cycle of imposed failure and rejection occurs again and again, the child retreats into his or her own world. Interesting enough, when it comes to teaching methods, what works best for a dyslexic, actually works best for all children. Every child has a preferred way to learn; if teaching and learning is tailored then not only does it become much more effective, it becomes much more enjoyable. At school, teachers will want to discuss a student’s problems with reading and writing, the jumbling up of words and possibly poor organisation or difficulty carrying out a sequence of directions. Perhaps the one most common factor for dyslexics is how they process information and instructions. Their processing speed is much slower, meaning they become very easily confused by multiple instructions. If you would like to try something simple at home to help ease frustrations on both sides, you can try a technique that teachers call “chunking”. Rather than asking your son or daughter to do multiple things, just say, “Please can you help me by taking the trash out?” Follow up with the next request once this has been achieved and make sure you praise them every time they succeed in achieving a task. UNLOCKING THE POTENTIAL There’s no doubt that dyslexics can flourish in a mainstream academic context, provided they are enrolled in a truly inclusive school that caters for children who learn differently. A model of small classes, highly specialised mainstream teachers, expert 1:1 and small group SEN specialists, who teach strategies that dyslexic children are able to use in mainstream lessons, provides the academic springboard for achievement. Dyslexic students need to be encouraged to use their laptops for writing – there are so many speech-to-text and text-to-speech apps available to ease the process. They can also use their phone to set reminders – to help them remember what they need to do and coordinate where they need to be. A good mind mapping programme is also invaluable, so children can put their ideas down quickly before they forget them, and then get them into an order once they are recorded. A lot of the stress for dyslexic pupils is remembering where all their pieces of work are and what they need to revise. Technology like Google Classroom that allows work to be saved to a cloud can do this for them meaning their anxiety levels decrease. While getting away from the neurotypical chalk- and- talk approach and into engaging kinaesthetic learning is essential, there has to be a wider mechanism in place to unlock a dyslexic child’s full potential. Dyslexics need to be inspired to fulfil their absolute holistic potential, in academic, physical and moral aspects of life. Provide an environment that develops each of these areas and you will discover a young adult ready to take on the world. Focus on developing character, confidence, leadership and self-esteem, and then wonders can happen. There is still one more key to a truly holistic education and it is very simple – creating a sense of belonging for every child. School should not just be a school; it should be a community where both pupils and parents find a place of belonging. Education is a three-way partnership between parents, children and the school. We all know, sometimes with a certain amount of embarrassment or even pain, that learning actually comes most effectively through failure. We need to encourage dyslexic children to just try things and not worry about whether it will work or not. The home and school environment needs to be a place where failure can be safe and positive – a place of belonging. In such a place, children know that there will always be someone to pick them up, put them back on their feet, dust them down and say, “Here have another go.”

Find out how to cheat your way to the perfect birthday bash without leaving DB Planning kids’ parties gets easier as they get older. Once they hit their tweens, you don’t have to invite their whole class along, and you can pret ty much get away with a movie (plus hot dogs and popcorn) for a couple of besties. But for younger kids, parties need to be more elaborate – and there’s more competition involved – so it ’s worth thinking seriously about what you want to achieve and all the exciting alternatives on offer. As any parent will tell you, the basic elements that need to come together are the supplies, the venue and the refreshments (including the all-important birthday cake). Get these worked out well in advance and you should be able to cheat your way to a fun, relatively hassle-free birthday bash. The first thing you, or rather the birthday boy or girl needs to decide on is the theme. Go with unicorns, pirates, princesses, or minions… whatever’s on their radar at the time. The theme is a big deal because it will dictate the look of the party, of everything from the invitations to the cake. ESSENTIAL SUPPLIES For the sake of your time and sanity – not to mention the environment – avoid paper invitations. Choosing an electronic invitation service, such as Paperless Post, keeps the process straightforward and makes your guest list easy to manage digitally. Get the invitations sent out at least a month in advance to avoid disappointment. If you follow this writer’s advice, you won’t be needing much in the way of party decorations but you will need basic supplies – balloons, tableware, wrapping paper and those all-important take-home party bags. For all these, look no further than the dedicated Partytime shop-in-shop at Bookazine in DB North Plaza (2987 1373). You’ll find a quality range in cool colours and of-the-minute themes. But back to the party bags. What do you put inside them? You can relate the contents to the party theme (as long as it’s unisex) or you can make up two sets of bags, one for the boys and one for the girls. But one-bag-fits-all is the best (easiest) way to go. Young partygoers will thank you for fun treats like bubble wands, whoopee cushions and, of course, slime. THE VENUE Be wary about hosting a children’s party at home; it’s a big ask. Your living room will get wrecked, and you’ll find yourself running around organising games, breaking up fights and laying out food, while the other parents relax in the corner drinking your Prosecco. The best bet, unless the weather is truly dreadful, is to take the party outdoors. This way, the kids will be able to let off steam without destroying your home and you’ll find you have a lot less to do – lay on sunscreen, bug spray and a bunch of water games, and you’re good to go. If you don’t have a garden, check in with your village management office to see if your local playground is available for hire, or simply hit up Tai Pak Wan. If you can afford to add on a bouncy castle, do it! Kids never get tired of inflatables and they’ll play on them for hours. Talk to Ben White at Pui O-based Jumping Castles (9662 1747). Ben delivers free to DB and his castles all feature a jump area and a slide of some sort and they come in small, medium and large sizes – the small ones suited for children as young as two and the largest good for kids up to 12. All you need for Ben to set up an inflatable is a reasonably level area – indoors or out. For added fun, he can also supply a helium-balloon kit that includes a recyclable helium tank and 50 balloons. Or how about an ice-skating party? At DB Ice Rink in DB Plaza (2234 0187), there’s fun to be had for kids of all ages, and skating aids to guide the less steady partygoers across the ice. The staff are happy to help you set up your own catering supplies at the rink – and, if you want to sit back while the staff teach (and supervise) your partygoers, you can book a group lesson. Equally close to home, EpicLand in DB Nor th (2441 0098) is a great one-stop party option catering for groups of 10 to 50 plus. A typical party package at the 14,000-square-foot indoor entertainment centre includes party invites and banners, two hours use of a private function room and access to the play zones. Slime, nerf, art, disco and laser-tag party packages are also on offer. THE MAIN EVENT Kid’s parties today aren’t the jelly-and-ice-cream sit-down affairs many of us remember, so don’t feel you need to provide a full-on spread. If you’re heading to the beach, or any venue where food is not provided, a good option is to present the food in individual party boxes. Keep things simple and cute, you only need a few items in each box – a cheese straw, a homemade sandwich, some crisps/ grapes, a small yoghurt and plastic spoon, a fairy cake, a pretty napkin and a paper hat. This is a fairly healthy option too, right? No doubt, small people love additive-packed, sugary snacks but you’re well advised to jettison the junk, and avoid the dreaded sugar-crash tantrums too! For tunately, festive food is extremely easy to hack while keeping all the fun and flavour. Start with the bubbly: add citrus slices to sparkling mineral water for a refreshing tipple, or try infusing whole jugs with mint, cucumber, apple chunks and strawberries for a carbonated cocktail. Meanwhile, swap salty crisps and pretzels in favour of crudités and veggie-based dips and, assuming no allergy restrictions, switch salted peanuts for almonds, walnuts and cashews gently toasted without oil in the oven. Taking it easy with the snacks frees you up to go big on the main event – the birthday cake, everyone’s favourite part of a party. Whether you’re looking for a 2D Bob the Builder or a 3D mermaid on a rock, bakeries like Complete Deelite in Central (3167 7022) can whip up the requisite confection to match any party theme, as well as health-focused “naked” birthday cakes and cupcakes – where the sides remain un-iced. If you’re looking to go a step further, and brave enough to DIY, then it’s easy to find instructions for gluten-, nut- and refined-sugar-free birthday cakes online. These “free-from” cakes are healthy and wholesome, and can look every bit as good as the regular ones. Simply search for diabetic-friendly bake recipes; you can add natural sweetness later with fruit toppings. So there you have it; throwing a successful kid’s party is doable… and can be a lot of fun. Just be sure to plan ahead and pull out all the stops, you don’t want to be known as the parent who threw the boring bir thday bash.

There are plenty of reasons to encourage kids to snuggle up and get lost in the pages of a book (or Kindle). Here are some you may not have considered Do you remember that friend who could spin a story out of thin air? Or that classmate who always had the most creative ideas? Chances are, they were one of those kids who spent their time immersed in books. Children who read a lot are used to analysing complex plots, understanding character motivations and predicting outcomes. They often develop strong critical thinking and problem-solving skills, which can be invaluable in later life. Moreover, their broad vocabulary, effective communication skills and empathetic nature (all a product of their reading habits) can give them an edge at school and beyond. Their love for learning and open-mindedness can contribute to personal growth and fulfilment as well. When children spend their time reading, they’re constantly exploring new worlds, meeting different characters and living through a whirlwind of adventures. All of these experiences fuel the imagination. Books encourage children to visualise the story in their minds; this enhances their ability to imagine scenarios, people and places. It’s no surprise then that children who love to read often have a knack for creativity and can think outside the box. COMMUNICATION AND EMPATHY There’s a good chance that children who are well able to express their thoughts and feelings, are bookish. Reading opens up a whole universe of words, phrases, idioms and expressions. It helps children understand the nuances of language and how different words can be used to convey various emotions and ideas; it provides children with a rich vocabulary and a flair for expressing themselves. What’s more, children who spend lot of time lost in books truly understand the power of words. They’ve laughed, cried, been inspired and felt a whole range of emotions, all thanks to the words on a page. They’ve seen how words can build and destroy, heal and hurt, inspire and demotivate. They know that a well-placed word can change a situation or even a life. And they carry this understanding into their interactions with others. They’re mindful of what they say, how they say it, and when they say it because they know the impact their words can have. They value meaningful conversations and aren’t afraid to delve deep. Avid readers tend to excel at conversation, debating or any situation that requires clear and effective communication. But it’s not just about talking. Reading also improves listening skills as it trains the mind to absorb information, follow complex plots and understand different viewpoints. It follows then, that children who devour books have a heightened ability to understand and share the feelings of others. They’re often incredibly empathic. Children who love to read grow up engrossed in stories about characters from all walks of life. Whether it’s empathising with Charlie as he navigates the challenges of the chocolate factory or feeling the pain of Scout as she grapples with racial injustice, reading allows children to walk in someone else’s shoes, even if just for a few hundred pages. This results in something magical: it ensures children have compassion and can easily connect with others on an emotional level. It helps children understand that everyone has their own story, their own battles and their own unique perspective. LOVE OF LEARNING Children who spend a lot of time reading often develop an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. They’re the ones who are always curious, always questioning and always seeking answers. Books have taught them that there’s a wealth of knowledge out there waiting to be explored. They understand that every day offers an opportunity to learn something new and they grab it with both hands. There’s a certain beauty in the way children who grow up reading a lot perceive the world. It’s as if they’ve been gifted a pair of 3D glasses that allows them to see life from various angles. Books have the amazing ability to transport children to different places, times and cultures. One day they’re a wizard in England, the next they’re a geisha in Japan, and then a rebel in a dystopian future. This exposure to diverse perspectives helps children develop an understanding and appreciation for different cultures, traditions and ways of life. And it’s not just about geographical or cultural diversity. Books also expose children to a myriad of ideas, philosophies and ideologies. This exposure broadens their horizon and makes them more openminded and accepting. Another benefit? Reading helps children develop their ability to focus. Imagine a child engrossed for the first time in the adventures of Jane Eyre or Oliver Twist, completely oblivious to the noise of the television in the next room or their siblings’ chatter. That level of concentration isn’t easy to achieve. Reading requires children to sit still, concentrate on the words and let their mind weave a mental tapestry of the story. It’s an exercise in mindfulness that helps children improve their attention span and ability to focus on one task at a time. PERSONAL FULFILLMENT This might sound like a bit of a reach, but children who spend a lot of time immersed in books are independent and self-fulfilled. For instance, they understand that being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely. Reading is a solitary activity, and children come to realise that sometimes, they need that space: that quiet corner where they can dive into another world and forget about everything else. Growing up as keen readers, children learn to enjoy their own company. They understand that sometimes, it’s fine to step back from the crowd and spend some time with their thoughts (or a good book). It’s not about being anti-social or aloof, lonely or isolated; it’s about finding comfort and peace in solitude. Likewise, reading teaches patience. Whether it’s waiting for the plot to unfold, for a character’s redemption, or simply for the next book in a series to be released, reading isn’t about instant gratification: it requires time and patience. Reading’s not like watching a twohour movie where everything wraps up neatly. You have to invest yourself in it, and turn page after page to see how the story unfolds. This habit of waiting for the climax or resolution in books, allows children to learn that good things take time, and that it’s OK to wait, to be patient and trust the process. Lastly, children who love to read know how to find joy in simple things. There’s something undeniably pleasurable about curling up with a good book (or Kindle) on a rainy day, and loosing oneself in a wonderful story. This ability to find pleasure in little things extends beyond children’s reading habits. It reflects in their life too. They appreciate small gestures and cherish quiet moments. They understand that Dumbledore was right when he said: “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

We put a lot of focus into teaching our kids to clean their rooms, act responsibly and do their homework. These things are important, but there’s one thing that’s more important: teaching kids to enjoy life As parents, there is nothing we want more than to make sure our children are happy. Their contentment and wellbeing, after all, is – in some ways – within our power. But what makes a happy child? Is it giving into their every whim – and granting them more screen time – or is it about building secure at tachments, validating their experiences and encouraging autonomy? Being happy, proud and fulfilled aren’t just emotions that leave us feeling warm and fuzzy. Concrete positive outcomes are life-affirming, and they are associated with better school attendance, better academic performance, better self-esteem and better overall health. So how do we raise our children to be happy? WHAT MAKES A CHILD HAPPY? While happiness may seem rather basic – one is either happy or not – many things can contribute to a child’s happiness. External stimuli, for example, may make a child happy (or, conversely, it could make a child sad). Validation can result in peace and contentment, and friendships can be full of pleasure and joy. But there is no one thing which makes children happy. There is also no way to ensure a child is always happy. Full-time happiness is a myth, something that is impossible to attain. Still, there are skills you can teach your children to help them enjoy life to the full. Nurturing resilience is essential: empowering children to be resilient sets them up for positive, constructive experiences and helps them learn how to deal with difficult situations. It can also help them bounce back, when stressors occur. Encourage your children’s ability to successfully adapt, positively transform and return to their baseline despite being surrounded by stressors and adversity. Teaching kids to believe in themselves is never a bad decision, so instead of mollycoddling or overprotecting, focus on building autonomy and self-efficacy. Once children have control over their own decision-making and become confident in their decisions, they feel empowered to take an active part in creating their own happiness. Encouraging problem-solving – in school, with friends and with you – is a first step. By talking through difficult situations, you help your child learn how to handle the problems they’re facing currently and that they will face in the future. Empathy, being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, is a skill everyone should learn. Children benefit from appreciating each other’s similarities and differences, and the ability to empathise with the people around them helps them build fulfilling relationships. Likewise, it’s impor tant for children to understand the need for emotional regulation and impulse control. Incorporating mindfulness into their routine and encouraging them to be aware of their feelings helps with this. POSITIVE PARENTING Children need to feel supported (and loved) in order to become happy and healthy. They also need to be inspired by your own attitude to life and willingness to embrace happiness. Here are a few ways you can do that. Foster connections: let your children see that you are actively involved in other people’s lives and, most importantly, their own. Spend quality time together having fun. Have meaningful conversations with them about school, friends and hobbies. Talk through and validate their experiences, and be open and honest about your own. Model what happiness means to you: from practicing self-care to meditating, reading and moving your body, engaging in activities that bring you happiness will encourage your child to do the same. One of the best things you can do for your child’s emotional (and physical) wellbeing is to attend to your own. Practice gratitude: help your children feel safe, secure and happy by expressing thankfulness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, prioritise their health, deal with adversity and build strong relationships. So how do you foster gratitude in children? One simple way is to ask them to take time daily – before or during a meal, for example – to name aloud something they are thankful for. Then, make it a regular ritual. Discourage consumerism: children need to understand that while money can give them the oppor tunity to be happy, they can’t consume their way to happiness. How do you teach them this? Start by explaining that shopping is not a recreational activity, and follow through by limiting time spent in stores and malls. Many children get so much stuff nowadays that it quickly becomes overkill. By giving children too many gifts, you encourage them to believe that having things brings happiness – so try to avoid that, even on birthdays. As for your own birthday, use it as an opportunity to reinforce your values. You might discourage gifts and instead ask your child to share a memory with you of a favourite family activity. You can also help your children dream up gifts for your spouse that will be meaningful, like a handmade card, a homebaked cake or a self-penned poem. Play games with your children to demonstrate how much fun can be had with a simple deck of cards. Make a treehouse or bake a cake with them to show the pleasure of a productive activity. Go to a museum to show them the pleasure of an intellectual activity. DON’T TRY TOO HARD It sounds counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for your children’s long-term happiness may be to stop trying to keep them happy. If we put our children in a bubble and grant them their every wish and desire, that is what they grow to expect… but the real world doesn’t work that way. To keep from overcoddling, recognise that you are not responsible for your child’s happiness. If we feel responsible for our children’s emotions, we have great difficulty allowing them to experience anger, sadness, or frustration. We swoop in immediately to give them whatever we think will bring a smile to their face, or solve whatever is causing them distress. Unfor tunately, children who don’t learn to deal with negative emotions are in danger of being crushed by them as adolescents and adults. Once you accept this, you’ll be less inclined to try to “fix” their feelings – and more likely to step back and allow them to develop the coping skills and resilience they’ll need to bounce back from life’s inevitable setbacks. Of course, if you really want to bolster your child’s self-esteem, focus less on compliments and more on providing them with ample oppor tunities to learn new skills. Mastery, not praise, is the real self-esteem builder. The great mistake good parents make is doing too much for their children. While it can be difficult to watch our children struggle, they’ll never know the thrill of mastery unless we allow them to risk failure. Few skills are per fected on a first try, becoming proficient in something takes practice. And through repeated experiences of mastery, children develop the can-do attitude that lets them approach future challenges with the zest and optimism that are central to a happy life.

Use the excitement and buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day to spend some fun family time together, while encouraging kindness and gratitude There’s nothing (aside from coffee) that makes the world go round quite as much as love, and February 14 is all about celebrating those warm and fuzzy feelings with the people who touch your hear t the very most. And while your pre-kids Valentine’s Day routine may have included candlelit dinners, chilled champers and lavish lingerie, it’s still possible to embrace that loving feeling with small people in tow. Start by discussing the origin of Valentine’s Day – something of a mystery, as there are actually not one, but three Saint Valentine’s to be found in the record books, with little known of their lives. The Valentine’s Day that we now celebrate was most likely created in the 14th century by the English poet and author, Geoffrey Chaucer. He wrote of the engagement of King Richard II to Anne of Bohemia: “For this was on St Valentine’s Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.” It was believed during this period that birds would pair for life each year in mid-February, leading to the association with romantic love and partnership that endures to this day. DIY LOVE LETTERS It first became customary for lovers to exchange handwritten notes back in the 18th century, when Valentine’s cards would be cut into heart-, dove- and cherub-shaped outlines and finished with lace. These days, February 14 sees us showering our loved ones with gifts and even jewellery; e-cards are an increasingly popular way of marking the day. Encourage children to hand-decorate a card for the person that they love and admire the most – be this a family member, teacher or friend. You can provide them with simple materials such as construction paper, stickers, markers, paper hearts, glitter and glue, and let them get creative. Add to the fun by encouraging children to send their message anonymously, leaving the recipient to guess who their secret admirer might be. A fun twist for little ones is to sign their name in invisible ink (make this at home by blending water with lemon juice). They can then offer a few cryptic clues as to their true identity. The grand reveal can be achieved by simply holding the paper up to the light. Valentine’s Day gives children a chance to tell those who are close to them the things they appreciate and love about them. A fun way for them to do this is by crafting a gratitude box; a fun and af fordable Valentine’s Day gift, that’s also very meaningful. Give your child a shoebox to decorate and then have them fill it with unsigned letters and tokens of appreciation. Deliver the box in secret and try not to get caught! SAY IT WITH FLOWERS For many an old romantic, Valentine’s Day is synonymous with red roses. What you may not know is that your bouquet may hold hidden significance – 50 red roses are said to symbolise eternal love, 12 are for gratitude, while two bound together represent an engagement. Always count your stems carefully! But it’s not all about the rose, which – especially at this time of year – can be over-priced and hard to find. Hinduism recognises the jasmine flower as a symbol of love, while pink, red and white carnations all carry romantic associations. Meanwhile, here in Hong Kong, our beloved bamboo not only makes for sturdy scaffolding, but also represents resilience and grace, making it a thoughtful component of any Valentine’s Day bouquet. To get the kids in on the act, take a trip to Prince Edward then wander Flower Market Road, allowing them to customise their very own bunch of blooms. Alternatively, you can help the kids make their own colourful paper bouquets. Cut individual petals, and then use a paper punch to create small holes in the bottom of each one, before threading through a lollipop “stem” to fasten your flower together. Wrap in brown paper for an authentic florist ’s feel then let them distribute a little floral sweetness to friends. HANG OUT AT HOME Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to spend quality time with your kids and show them how much you love them. So why not organise a Valentine’s Day picnic or scavenger hunt? You could set aside time after school (February 14 falls on a Wednesday this year) to snuggle up together with some popcorn and watch a romantic or family-friendly movie. Or you could invite besties over for a full-blown Valentine’s Day party, complete with heart-themed crafts and games, a piñata and sweet treats. For something a little different, you could surprise the kids with a Valentine’s Day photo shoot – set up a fun backdrop and props and let them take turns posing for cute Valentine’s Day photos. Or make a Valentine’s Day time capsule – have the kids collect special items and memories from the day and put them in a box to be opened and enjoyed in the future. Whatever you end up doing, you’ll need some fuel aka sweet Valentine’s Day treats, so get the kids into the kitchen to bake. Little chefs will love helping you whip up chocolate bark, heart-shaped sugar cookies, or crispy rice treats. For something healthier that doubles up as a fun family activity, try dipping strawberries in melted chocolate before cooling in the fridge. (Alternatively, stock up on Belgian truffles and save them until the kids are asleep.) A DOZEN GAMES TO PLAY • Valentine’s Day tic-tac-toe • Make sentences using “conversation heart” candies • Valentine’s Day bingo • See who can decorate a Valentine’s Day card fastest • Valentine’s Day word searches • Make a DIY hopscotch game using cut-out hearts • Valentine’s Day “Outburst” with DIY topics • Pin the arrow on the heart • Valentine’s Day colouring pages • Play “I spy” (pink or red things only) • Valentine’s Day ring toss using pink or red cups • Try to blindly identify different types of chocolate COUPLES ONLY While it’s great to share the love with all the family, it’s important for busy parents to take time together. To help with this, the Auberge is laying on the love on February 14 with a Valentine’s Day Staycation Package which includes one night in a mountain view room, breakfast buffet for two and set dinner for two, plus a cocktail-making workshop. If all that indulgence sounds too much, grab your significant other and hit up The Trail Hub’s annual Valentine’s Day Race, scheduled for February 4 this year. Starting and finishing at Treasure Island on Pui O Beach, you can choose to run either the 15-kilometre Tough Love or the 9-kilometre Easy Love, both open to teams of two. All partners must finish the course together, making it a trust, as well as a physical exercise, and a great way to work up a sweat together!

There’s a knack to talking to kids in a way that gets them interested and talking back: you need to use the right words, make it fun and, above all, get your timing right Not all grown-ups are fun to talk to because not all grown-ups know how to talk to kids. Knowing how to engage children in order to get a conversation going is an invaluable parenting skill and, for most of us, it’s something we have to learn. Getting the approach and the vocabulary right takes a bit of effort at first but there are some simple steps to follow. Let’s take a look. THE RIGHT QUESTIONS TO ASK Firstly, be specific. Questions like “how are you?” and “what have you been up to?” are fine to use with other adults, where they function as icebreakers but they mean very little to children. This is because these questions are too large; there are too many possible responses. Very wide questions are going to be met with a bored eyeroll or a monosyllabic rebuff at best. So instead of asking a big question like “how was your playdate with Jane?” ask “what was the funniest thing Jane said on your playdate?” or “what games did you and Jane play”. Secondly, really listen: don’t take what your child says at face value, enter their world and look for unexpected connections. If the answer doesn’t make sense on the surface, be inquisitive and keep digging. When you unearth the connection, it will usually be surprisingly logical. For example, you might ask your child: “If snow could have a flavour, what would you choose?” Their answer: “Broccoli.” Mystified by this response? Then ask for clarification: “Why’s that?” Their answer: “If snow tasted good everyone would eat it and there’d be none left to play in.” It’s also important to talk about emotions. When your child gets home from school or back from a playdate, notice whether they are pent-up and withdrawn, or all smiles and giggly. Try to “name” their emotion when you see it. For example, you could say: “You look so happy! Something fun must have happened today. What was it?” See whether this helps your child open up. Consider too the way you phrase your questions. Avoid starting questions with “did,” which will elicit a “yes” or “no” answer, or “why,” which can get an “I don’t know”. “What” is a much better opener. For example: “What made you laugh today?” “What was your favourite thing that happened today?” “What did you enjoy most about playtime?” “What did Mrs Pearse explain in maths class today?” Always be prepared to ask follow-up and clarifying questions. Options make things easier too: “Do you prefer pink spotted monsters or blue wiggly monsters? How come?” or “If you had to choose between having water or electricity, which would you choose? How come?” KEEPING IT REAL Teaching your child how to converse begins with you, so model what it sounds like to talk about your day, and encourage them to ask you questions. You could say: “When I was at work today, it was really funny, someone brought in a cake and it was my favourite flavour. Can you guess what kind of cake it was?” Talk about something real, something that made you laugh or surprised you, someone you spoke to, what you had for lunch, what happened on the ferry home. Sharing your day makes it more likely that your child will want to share about their day. When asking your child questions, it’s important to come from an informed place. Anyone can ask “how was school?” and they will likely get that bored eyeroll in response. If you want your child to share real stuff with you, you need to know what is actually going on with them. Relevant questions will elicit a real response. Ask: “You had swimming today: did Mrs Lee help you with your crawl?” or “Are you and James besties again? How did you make up?” Children like to talk on a level, like friends. Talking is easier for them if they are laughing and having fun. Children prefer funny chats with adults because firstly, they know they aren’t in trouble and secondly, serious chats are harder than funny ones. So be zany and inventive. Think Edward Lear; think Spike Milligan. Throw in a made-up word now and then. Ask wacky, age-appropriate questions: “What would you do if you had four arms?” “If you were a tiny mouse, would you be like Stuart Little or Desperaux?” “Would you rather live in a box with a litter of cats or live in a tree stump with a badger?” And a word about swearing: having a zero-tolerance policy is pretty outdated. You need to teach children the difference between swearing at someone and swearing to release joy or frustration, and you need to teach them about the consequences of swearing somewhere inappropriate, like school. But that’s about it. To think that kids will hear swear words and automatically be upset or start mindlessly spouting profanities is rubbish. It’s OK to swear around your kids, and you need to chill out when other people swear around them. This is real life, not a Jane Austen novel. TIMING IS EVERYTHING Children can only be expected to hold a meaningful conversation when they are calm and their basic needs have been met, so get your timing right. For instance, asking a child a bunch of questions as soon as they get home from school might seem natural to you, but it can be the worst time for them. Most adults want to switch off after work and let go of their day – children are the same. They will have been asked questions all day and might still be in a “performance” mindset; their mind needs a break and they need a chance to eat, play and rest. Be patient and wait until your child is ready to talk. Make conversation a habit, at a time that suits your child. Bedtime can be a good time to talk, when they are relaxed and winding down before going to sleep. This is when they will enjoy opening up, especially if you’re lying next to them… avoid doing that face-to-face thing that can feel confrontational. With young children, engaging in an activity can be a smart way to start a conversation. Take out some plasticine, or a colouring book or a puzzle, and then say: “Remind me… you were saying the other day that being in Year 2 is really different. How come?” Talking in this way feels less like an interview, and more like fun. If your child is in their early teens, you need to take other factors into account. You’ve got to remember that their peer group is really, really important to them, and that they may prefer to share their thoughts with friends. Again, timing is all important: be open to speaking on their schedule and asking about something that’s concerning you more than once. Whenever possible keep the conversation light. Remember not all grown-ups are fun to talk to but you are.

We don’t set boundaries to make children happy in the moment; we set boundaries to prioritise our children’s wellbeing and prepare them to launch successfully into the world. Find out how it’s done Boundaries are actions we take to keep our kids safe and healthy. They are part of the parenting job description because it’s our responsibility to make decisions that are good for our child’s wellbeing, both in the short and long term. Setting these boundaries can be a tricky part of parenting but it’s something we need to prioritise. Our children may think that 10 tablespoons of Nutella amount to a nutritious dinner but we are the adults and we have more information. Likewise, our children may not agree that meeting BruisedKnuckles4, with whom they recently connected online, is a risky idea... but as adults, we need to hold the line in the interests of safety. Depending on parenting style, some of us find the important work of establishing and maintaining limits easier to attend to than others. The challenge can be figuring out just how to go about setting boundaries that are firm, fair and effective. So let’s take a closer look at what boundaries for young children are all about, and how we can best use them for the intended purpose of keeping kids safe. HOW TO STRUCTURE A BOUNDARY Firstly, the tone of our delivery is important when we’re discussing boundaries with our kids: clear, calm and decisive is the goal. Secondly, the way we structure a boundary – the language we use to define action and responsibility – can make a big difference to our parenting interactions. Here’s what you need to know: boundaries are not what we tell kids not to do; boundaries are what we tell kids we will do. Boundaries embody our authority as a parent and don’t require our child to do anything. We are not asking the child to be happy about, agree with or comply with the boundary. We are simply telling the child what we will do. That’s it. Another thing: be sure to supply a why – a simple reason as to why you are setting and/ or maintaining a boundary – this really helps with buy-in. (“Because I said so” won’t suffice.). This isn’t about inviting the child into a debate over our reasons or having to justify our rule. Rather, it’s based on an appreciation that simple explanations help kids learn. Rules without reasons lead to rebellion. See if you can hear the difference between the following statements: “Hey! Turn the iPad off! You know the rules – you’re not allowed on the iPad before 4pm!” (Exasperated tone on the verge of pleading or exploding, the parent is annoyed with the child for being disobedient, and doesn’t know how to proceed.) Versus... “It’s not your iPad time right now. We know screen time is quite addictive so, in our family, we don’t turn the iPad on whenever we feel like it. I am going to put it away until it’s your screen time.” (Calm, decisive tone, the parent is feeling in charge.) In the initial response, the parent was telling the child what to do rather than explaining what they, the parent, were going to do. The likely result? A conflict/ power struggle in which the parent can feel helpless – dependent on the child agreeing to comply. In the second approach, however, the focus is on what the parent is going to do. It isn’t a command – the parent is simply stating what’s going to happen. This is more empowering for the parent and communicates more clearly to the child where the line is. By setting boundaries correctly, we reduce the likelihood of power struggles, arguments and back talk. It doesn’t mean children won’t try to get their way. But once you establish that there are rules, and consequences for not following those rules, there will gradually be less and less pushback as kids learn to modify their behaviour to what’s expected of them. Your mission is to teach children how to test their limits respectfully, without being angry or defiant, and to know that ultimately, you, the parent, is in charge. THE BENEFITS OF BOUNDARIES Most importantly, parental boundaries allow kids to feel safe. Secure boundaries set by the parent (not negotiated by the child) reduce anxiety. Rules and routines like meal times, bed times, homework time, chores and screen time – that are set and monitored by the parent – create predictability in a child’s life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that reduces anxiety. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a mean or unfair parent, even if your child thinks that way in the heat of the moment. While it’s extremely important for children’s emotions to be heard and validated, you, as the parent, still need to be in charge to create a secure and stable environment for your kids. If children feel they have more power than the adult, if they feel able to dominate the people who are supposed to be in charge, they become anxious and insecure. The bottom line: in a power struggle with your child, you have to be the clear winner. Importantly too, parental limits disrupt narcissism and entitlement. Early-development narcissism is normal and appropriate in small children, but unless it is eventually disrupted, children grow up believing the world revolves around them. By setting boundaries, we are allowing our children to understand that they can’t always get their own way; we are teaching patience and maturity. Ultimately, kids who understand the meaning of “limits” grow up grounded – sensible, realistic and well-equipped to function in the world outside the home. Lack of boundaries skews kids’ sense of themselves: it encourages them to believe that the people around them exist simply to meet their needs. Children without boundaries will get a rude awakening when they don’t always get what they want later in life, and they will have a hard time relating to others. If our children know that there is a limit to how much comfort and pleasure we will provide, they can learn to cope with disappointment. As an added bonus, the mild disappointment brought about by boundary setting can also help children develop empathy – for others who have experienced discomfort and disappointment. At the end of the day, children benefit and learn from struggling a bit. In any developmental task, from walking to talking to learning to read or drive a car, kids need to struggle – that’s how they mature and come to master new things. If we bring our children up with the expectation that that they will always be “in charge,” they will always want things to be easy; they will grow up expecting others to remove struggle and fix their disappointments for them. A parent in charge knows it is not only OK for a child to struggle with a limit or a rule, it can actually be in their best interests. The lines between safe and unsafe, healthy and unhealthy aren’t always something we can tangibly see, especially if we’re a child with limited life experience. As parents, we need to help our kids clearly understand where the boundaries lie. Our children may not be happy or thrilled about the boundary but, when it comes down to it, our kids should not dictate our boundaries, and we should not dictate their feelings.

With the long vac over, are you relieved to have your life back or consumed by the back-to-school blues? Beverly Au reports It’s back to school next week – so why do I feel so sad? Is it because I’m heading into Year 12 with months of revision coming up, followed by some pretty momentous exams? Is it because I’m about to start secondary school and don’t like the sound of it at all? Or is it because I’m the new girl in town, just moved to Discovery Bay from overseas, expecting to be the loneliest student in class? No. I’m a mum. I’m one of those mums who other, arguably saner, mothers giggle about. I’m that mum who simply can’t get enough of her kids. I feel sad because the summer holidays are almost over, and they’re my favourite time of year. Truth is, I begin to mourn the loss of each summer even before it’s over, as the last days of the holiday seem to signify the end of an entire year rather than just another season. With the first day back at school for the autumn term, my children move up a class and gain a year in a matter of moments: there are new teachers and pupils to get to know, tougher rules and new expectations to wrestle with, and the age they were a few weeks ago seems lost forever. FAMILY TIME LIKE NO OTHER When the kids are back at school it will be back to that relentless routine – up at 7am, off to school at 8am, home at 4pm with homework, music practice, supper and a bit of YouTube time (MrBeast) before that final heave to get them into bed at a reasonable hour. There is so little time just to be together. Conversations are snatched, there’s barely an hour to relax and have fun as a family and we’re all so tired that tempers are easily frayed. Sometimes it feels as though we’re just four individuals leading separate lives, linked by the same house and the children’s immediate needs. I feel like a constant nag getting them through the day; they feel got at and frustrated with too little time to play. But in summer all that evaporates. My babies are my own again. They sleep in and pad around the house in their pyjamas. They eat more, play more together and fight less. Suddenly, the outside pressures are gone. There is more time for silliness, more space for laughter and their faces soften with rest, fresh air and sunshine. They find new and innovative ways to spend their time – mine spent the first two weeks of this year’s holiday swapping bedrooms; a spur-of-the-moment decision made entirely by themselves. As an act of creative upheaval, it was superb: it forced them – and us – to clean out their rooms, reassess their possessions, find forgotten things to play with and chuck out the broken and the useless. Summer is the only holiday when nothing much happens. The Christmas break is full of anxiety, too much money spent and family tensions raised to fever pitch. Easter may be a celebration of spring, but it’s often cold and too much chocolate is consumed. Summer, though, is the season when nagging can stop; we can find our equilibrium as a family again with everyone else away and the diary free of social commitment. It's pleasure enough simply to stay home in DB indulging in some serious downtime: swimming at the club, taking leisurely hikes, and checking out the inflatables at Summer Splashtopia. Then there are the occasional trips into town; a weekend in Coloane maybe. But when Daddy can get a fortnight or so off work, we also like to fly off somewhere. Holidays across Asia are our forté – we love discovering “new” islands: lazing on the beach, getting out on boats, kayaking and snorkelling. Both girls are screaming for their PADI certification. Stays in tropical paradises like Palawan, Koh Tao and Lombok have cemented our sense of family unity and created landmark memories – swimming with dolphins and in phosphorescence, playing hide and seek in the dark, settling in for marathon sessions of Uno. ANOTHER YEAR BEGINNING A child’s growth can almost be measured annually by the holiday snaps, which we linger over as the shops start their back-to-school promotions. I have more pictures of my daughters in swimming costumes eating ice cream on beaches during the summer months than at any other time of year. Each new picture resembles the last – blue sky, yellow sand, rocky trails and happy, sun-tanned faces. Only the child is slightly different, the younger one losing her curls, her baby fat; the elder one slowly developing the physique of a woman, with fuller lips and lengthening limbs. With each new set of photographs there is a sad reminder of how few summers like this there are ahead of us. The last few days of the summer holiday are a time of reflection. We tend to spend them alone without plans or playdates. Perhaps we will indulge ourselves with one final treat, a third visit to the Naked Flowers exhibition in TST is high on my youngest’s bucket list. Perhaps we’ll simply hunker down at home to prepare for what is to come, dreaming up interesting packed lunches, buying new sport shoes, sorting out the uniform. This year’s “back to school” seems doubly significant as my 12-year-old starts secondary school and we will all have to navigate uncharted territory. New buildings, new teachers – by subject this time rather than form – a timetable, new friends to make and an entirely different route to school which she will soon have to, and want to, navigate alone. Give it a few weeks and my eldest won’t need me to sit with her on the ferry as she starts the commute to her new school in Tuen Mun. Part of me is thrilled that we’ve reached this milestone, the other is so very sad. My daughter is not just a year older, but embarking on a whole new phase of her life. Starting secondary school feels like the official beginning of her adolescence and the number of future happy summers together seem even more limited. Countless parents complain about the length of the summer holidays: one whole month of family time without structure, without respite, with “nothing” to fill the days. They are no doubt looking forward to the new round of school runs followed by some well-earned time for themselves. It may be an unfashionable admission and make me the mum other saner mothers laugh about, but the school holidays are never long enough for me.